Does Anyone See Me? (Journal Entry # 7)

Things are getting better. Olietus hasn’t been in class this week. I’m actually starting to make a few friends, too. Though they are all younger than I am. Some of them only came of age in the last year or so. Even though they are juniors and seniors. 

I feel so out of place, sometimes. 

I know this isn’t going to be easy. At least, I’m not in my hundreds like a few others in the class. I tend to stick with those students instead of the younger ones. 

There’s this one demon hunter who wears Adrastos turquoise named Mak.

Elzie (one of the females in my history class only half my age) said she thought he was five hundred or something. He’s a legendary warrior or something. 

He’s a beautiful male. Arrogant, like most Adrastos males are (not to be insulting, if any Adrastos are actually reading this! Which they probably won’t. I may just make it a private blog, once this class is finished. I am enjoying getting my thoughts out.). 

He seems highly intelligent. It’s hard not to listen when he talks. His voice is all rumbly and deep.

Mak doesn’t laugh or smirk when I speak, either. That matters. There are a few of Olietus’s friends in the class who do just that. 

If I ever finally have an affair, I hope it’s with a male like him. One who is kind. Who I feel safe with.

Not like that will ever happen. Pitiful. I’ll go to my grave a virgin, no doubt. Too shy to even speak to a beautiful male. 

Riv, Ambrea, and Kellis have all had at least one affair. Julea, Alaun, and I haven’t been bold enough yet to think about it. 

Dardaptoans know that there are fated mates out there waiting for us; we all know that. Some females think that means we’re supposed to go to them pure or chaste. Well, my mother laughed her head off when she heard me and Riv questioning that idea when we were young.

Just because we have mates out there (or so I thought at the time!) doesn’t mean we aren’t allowed to enjoy companionship when it becomes possible. Hundreds of years are a long time to be alone, my mother had said. 

I’m not sure there is a Dardaptoan over fifty or so who doesn’t agree with me. With her.

I miss my mother so much. Each and every day. 

I’ll never know a mate intimately. I’m starting to come to terms with that, I think. 

But I am so tired of feeling so alone. Especially at night. Do you ever feel alone? How do you handle it?

I have my own room in our house. Somehow, we all do. It’s a small house, but my father built it with his own two hands and added on to it each time another daughter was born. It’s a unique house out on the outskirts of Dardanos. 

Our rooms aren’t large, most are eight by ten, but they are our space. I’ve spent my entire life sleeping in this room. I know every crack in the plaster, every creaky board in the floor. I love it. 

With my sisters surrounding me, I shouldn’t feel alone. But lately, that’s exactly how I feel. As if the world has changed around me and I am standing still. 

I’m just afraid I’ll always be standing still. Invisible. No one will know my name. Silly, isn’t it? There are six beautiful females right here who know my name. 

That should be all that matters. 

I just don’t know what’s wrong with me lately…

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